Divorce rant

Guess I never got around to posting this cuz it was sitting there as a draft, so since this is my blog and I don't hold anything back I suppose I'll publish it even tho I'm going to re-read it... so dont hold me accountable for what it says, or do, I dont care much.. LMAO!!! Well as some of you may or may notbuy know. My wife and I are splitting up. It's probably been many years in the making (and as she would tell you it's mainly because of my lack of feelings for her and the consistant relationship sabotage on my part). I will agree that I have not been the best husband in the world, I have had constant mental issues that could never prepare me for how to behave properly. I was always pushed to strive for being better, to quit drinking excessively, and to start exercising and participating in more family oriented events. The truth is, I like to drink and watch movies and anime, I like to work on computers, play guitar, and more truthfully, like to be alone. I cannot be myself when I am around family, because when I am around them, all I ever feel is like I cannot win. My wife and kids are more important than anything and I also therfor think it's best for them to not be around me. One of my biggest pet peaves is clutter and since my wife is disabled she cannot do enough around the home, the kids run rampant around destroying everything that I work for while she sits on her computer blogging, researching conspiracy theories, breastfeeding, and chatting with people I dont even know on Facebook and other blogs. Now I'm not saying that the seperation is all due to the fact that we have a messy (disasterously messy) house, but that is a pretty big part of it. I know it may sound crazy but I really like to feel at home in my home..and if I work a pretty stupidly horrifying job the last thing I want to do is clean house. The next thing is I like to relax on vacations and have a good time but every time we go to do something everything becomes a whole lot of work for me because she cannot do much. I know that it seems really selfish to want my wife to be able to participate more in things physically when I know that she just can't, but it gets tiring knowing that every time she has an idea that I'll be the only participating in all the labor. And while rangling 3 kids at the same time. I mean I can barely mow the lawn without kids trying to run in front of my mower. There is just not enough we can do to keep the kids occupied while we get things done. Every day I come home from work the home is just completely trashed. My garage is full of stuff and you can hardly walk in there, my downstairs office and bar area get trashed from the kids and she just cannot keep up with them to tell them not to. It gets very frustrating, and she wonders why I dont have time to do things like make a garden. I can't even find clothes for the kids most of the time because laundry is soo piled up everywhere and in the laundry room. I know it seems like a lot of B.S. on my part to want to get a divorce over, but the reality is that most of the time her snotty know-it-all attitude just doesn't turn me on. She gets mad because she doesn't feel liked or even loved, but how can I love someone who denies me any kind of peace of mind that I'm ever doing the right thing. It gets hard to be realistic to someone who pushes you away even in times when you are nice to them, and then spends all her time on the computer. What is a guy to do that just wants to feel the kind of love that is in the fairy tales and is constantly bombarded with the cruel truths that are this reality. If I could ever feel true love how would I even know what it is? How can I ever know what it's like to be with somebody that you are always wondering what kind of scheming plans may come in the near future? Nothing is real. Nothing has ever felt real. A person who is soo into what they are into and then talks ab Guess this never got published before but I suppose I had meant to a long time ago.. I'm not even gonna re-read it....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Time is relative..and most certainly irrelevant

As I sit here on a day off work (the first in about 12 days) I ponder why it is that I have soo much to do, and so little time to do it in. I have also come to the realization that I, myself, just so happen to create chaos for my own life. Whether it be to create about a million and one projects that I should know deep down that I will never finish, or looking on facebook profiles of freinds that most likely dont give a rats ass about me when I should be doing homework, or perusing the endless amounts of anime toys on ebay that I can't afford to buy, or looking up beer recipes to homebrew batches that I may or may not ever get around to making. Thinking about the paperwork and money accounts of a father who is sitting in a nursing home and then just pushing them aside because of other things I should be doing at that moment. Wondering the whole time why I do the things I do and about want I want to do, just to come full circle and think about the load of shit that fills up my garage to a point of impossibility to ever even imagine trying to get a vehicle in there. The amount of toys all over the house in random places put there by none of my kids but some crazy dark leprechaun that the children speak of frequently as the mysterious being that causes all the mischief around the home when I'm not looking or when I ask "who made this mess!" The homework that I do need to do creates another realm of wonder that in turn makes me want to find a really tall building to go hangliding off of without the glider to thus hang from. Whatever it is that causes this mental chaotic connundrum I cannot say. All I can say is that if not for chaos what would I do? Without the worry that I may never be completely happy with anything in my life unless it is a huge mess, what would I do? If anybody has ever been the kind of person to make a big twisted mess of things than you may be able to relate at least on the top layer of the madness that is behind this big piece of bloggy poo. And on that note I better get back to my homework, because planetary nebulea need to be explained, and if not for the credits and grades from this final class in my Ass-ociates program I may not even care.. but since I've also a Philosophy quiz to finish by the end of the week I can't even think that any accomplishment is even justified. I never gain any satisfaction from any level of work I put into a project, and I bet that some physcologist would say that I've a very hard habbit of self destruction to break, and that I should learn to take a compliment. Well, that aint happenin....at least not until somebody can help me break the rails of this train and help me go in another direction that's a little less painful. Any volunteers? Didn't think so...... FML

That Day

It wsa 10 yrs ago today that I was outproccessing from 5 long yrs in the U.S.Marine Corps. And on this day 10 yrs ago my Sargeant Major told me he wasn't sure what would be happening in the next several hours but he would sign my discharge papers. I told him that if they needed me, they knew where they could find me. I'll never forget that day.

911

I'd gladly go back to that day and do everything over again if I thought that it would help change things forever. I would shoot those planes out of the sky if it would change the intentions for what they succeeded in doing. To lower the moral and hope for those attempting to lower ours as a free country I would bear arms and cut off anyones head to end things such as terrorism, racism, and fasciast communism. The war isn't with terror, it's with our own selves and the evil we can create within. There has to be way and I believe that fire is the only way out. You may not have to pass through the fires of hell in order to reach heaven, but nobody ever said things were supposed to be easy. I'd walk that line, just so that others will not have to. The innocent lives lost that day, unfortunately will not be the last, but we must remember. Because without something lost there will never be anything to gain.

My New Cybersprocket

Well I did it, or at least started it. I went on over to my wordpress account (dont hate me google) and started using that for my writings. I'm going to just throw a little bit on there to start with and see what kind of reactions I get. For now. I'll probably add more to it here and there, but over all I'm going to keep writing on my own as much as I can until I have something worthwhile that maybe I could possibly publish one day. I really hope that I can publish someday, it would be a dream of mine come true.. well actually I had only thought about that possibility about a random 2-300 times before in my life, and mostly it dealt with creating comics and wanting to get them published. So anyway, jog on over to my wordpress and see for yourself, then come back here or check me on FB or twittie and let me know whats up. Word? Word.. http://wormholebrewing.wordpress.com/

To write, or not to write. That is the Question.

Well I've been running it over and over in my head. What do I want to do when I grow up. I have a somewhat stable job/occupation, but I am always on the look out from something better. Not something with neccissarily more money (although that would be a nice bonus) but for something that I can actually be satisfied with. So what does the person do that is never satisfied with anything??? If I could just up and drop my life to start all over again I tend to think that would, but at the same time there comes into question the stability and comfortability of the current setup. I've been playing an idea for a story back and forth for a few years now, and at first it was an idea for a web comic that I would write and draw and post on a website dedicated to it. But the longer I go without really drawing (which as of right now could be the sum of almost 10 year now) and since I'm soo out of practice it is always seeming unlikely that I could provide the quality of artwork I would want to match my story. So instead of going through the trouble (at least as of yet) to retrain myself in artistic abilities. I've been thinking I would start off by just writing my story idea for the web comic into novel or novela or even some other form of documentation form. What do you think? Maybe I'll just start off by writing on a blog or something and see what kind of feedback I can get. I could change my wordpress blog maybe to a direct link from my storytelling synapsis and see what happens, and then document my progress here.. I dunno.. I'm soo goddamned indecisive. All I do know is, something has to change or I just may lose it soon. har har har... uugghhh

#MOflood Go Guard! 2011

I was going to write a story about the Flooding here in Missouri. I had been called up to active duty with the Missouri Air National Guard (my full time employer as a civil service technician) to help fight off the rising water to help save some of the farm land and homes along the Missouri River near a few small towns around the Carrollton MO area which is just north of the Missouri River about 30 minutes from I70 and about an hour and a half from Kansas City. The experience was one that I felt would not be very intimate with things I would normally find interesting or in the least bit beneficial, to myself, or anybody else for that matter. But I'm not ashamed to say, that I was wrong. Seeing the people out there fighting for what they would consider to be their livelyhoods is something I did not expect. When I normally see a bunch of farmland and cornfeilds I usually dont think much past the fact that it must be a pain to harvest all of that, and then to have to deal with the process of farming and the big food industry. Kind of like when I see the chicken trucks every day in the town I live in. I can't really feel sorry for them because I know that they are all on their way to the food plant where they will soon be turned into chicken nuggets and microwave dinners. But this experience was different. Even though I know that the life of a farmer is not easy, I could clearly see that these people (old and young) were in fear of loosing what they work their fingers to the bone for. In just the area I was in, I was standing up on one levee and heard one of the farmers mention that if the water were to break through here or at another point about 2 miles from there, that it would mean the annual salary of about 50-60 families would be gone, just like that (a snap of the fingers). And since I usually think of such a big scale, this really didn't mean that much to me, because how many families annual saleries were lost in Japan during the tsunami earlier this year? I bet more than 50-60. Probably more like 50-60 thousand, along with everything else they had owned, and even some of their loved one's lost, and pets, and everything else. But even though I have the ability to make such comparisons I still have the ability to separate the logical sense of those comparisons and to realize that every situation is different and to also realize that I do not have all of the facts to support most of my theories or ideas. Oh but anyway, I would look at these farming people and see that even though they knew that their livelyhood were at stake, it would not change who they were, their determination, and overall, their sense of the down home family that they most cherish. This community I was helping was some of the most gracious and farm friendly (pun intended) that I'd met in a long time. I can see that they live a humble life and that they really did need and appreciate the fact that the National Guard (Army and Air Force) was there. It gave them a sense of relaxed nervouseness. A feeling that even though they might lose a years long worth of income that there was people that cared about them, that the state cared, that the members of the Guard cared, and that a lot of us were all there for a common purpose. To help each other. That we are all family even though distanced by occupations and regionally different backgrounds. When I looked out at the cornfield from atop the levee bearing a water pressure that could have broke through at any time. It changed my outlook. I didn't see the food process of the nation. I just saw people. Just as the buildings and lives, boats and cars, and everything in the path of water washed through Japan as destructive as any other force on earth. The families in Missouri and the other surrounding states affected by the flood waters were no different. It's not the level of the devastation, but the level of the inner self to comprehend that loss... is loss.

Atop the Levee (Norborne, MO)

Heartland America

Carrollton, MO

I65 closed down to one lane only

Snake

Me and my friend Ryan a long time ago were going to open up a public amphibious aquarium full of snakes and lizards of the sorts, but we couldn't agree upon a name for the place. He had one in mind but a certain restaurant establishment would probably sue us for copyright infringement. The same ordeal would have taken place if we were to also incorporate an ice cream stand into it.

Naughty Anime for Kids? Me thinks not!

Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt,

That certainly doesn't sound like a kids show does it? Well it's not. But look at the art style it must be a cutesy kiddy anime? Nope! And that just goes to show you that you cannot judge an anime by it's level of cartoony quality animation. If this looks like Powerpuff Girls, Dexters Lab, or any of those other Cartoon Network shows that its been compared to, to you, then look again. But dont watch it in the presence of children under say the age of, hmmm, 14? 15? 18? I'm no good with those show-watching-age-range-acceptability-judging. But I can tell you it's not for those that do not mind hearing about sexually devious themed content. It may be cute and all, but it's about as raunchy as all get out..well okay maybe it's not that bad. But it does certainly rate up there with maybe a Terantino style film violence mixed with some Invader Zim nonsense, a slight touch of late night Showtime softcore, and, well, a tad bit of Powerpuff.

But this hasn't been the only cutesy moe type anime lately that's been ultra-violent and not as expected...See Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (or When They Cry as the American release is simlpy called)

But if you dont believe me than just ask youself, how can an anime that looks like this

Turn into this?

androidify

a silly lil app on my galaxy s

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Where do we go now???

Ok, so here I am perusing a bunch of anime blogs out there, I'm away from home on work related travel, I've got massive amounts of homework to do, and I can't sleep. So what do I do? I decide to blog. I know I'm rather hit-r-miss with my updates so I've decided to write about some things that are really not pertinent to my everyday life. Maybe as a form of expression, escape, or just curiosity. I've had a rather odd but lengthy web pressence for a very long time, with pretty much the only fan being myself, but I am faced with trying to reduce, drop, or compile all of my web junk (sites, profiles, etc). So what do I do? I started my ultra not famous web archiving back at the end 2001/beginning of 2002 with a little site called Agent Anime (much like the name of this blog) and here is pretty much where it all started with the blog-like archives (well actually I had a really old yahoo web site before that called the Anime Room or something to that effect but I'm sure that has been long dead). After I had started the Agent Anime Fan Club I kept the archiving going for a good long while informing club members of events and just rambling at times, then I had decided at one point to actually make an actual blog and name it after the site that was once an anime fan club a few years back, but that wasn't working out too well, I just couldn't get the hang of all that coding and what-not. So I decided to just make a home page to somewhat confluence all of those previous projects here (since really I just have trouble throwing anything away...yes I'm a packrat) and all I really did with that was replace the original sites main/index page and then have links to the other projects.. oh and on that page there is a link to some old portfolio school project that I had made for, 'you guessed it!' a school project.. The portfolio was rather lame and I rarely ever go there, I guess I could delete that and it wouldn't be much of a loss but oh well. So anyway, here I am now with yet even more unfinished or ongoing projects and I need to either delete them or compile them like I've done before.. or just say screw it and keep this blogspot one going and maybe delete everything else and just use my actual domain name for this bloggy blog. Or find another alternative.. Any ideas? Either way, did I mention I have a lot of school work and that I'm on travel away from my family? It sucks and I miss them, but at least I'm sorta catching up on homework without my little rat-weasel's interrupting me every 5 seconds or waking me up at 5AM every morning, but still. I was just wondering what I should do about all this webstuff because it's been kinda bothering me for awhile. Hope you enjoy the little chibi K-ON characters above, it has nothing to do with this post, but I thought it was a cute image and it's a great anime show that I've been watching.. Think I'll make a K-ON banner.. LOL

Back to School

So I've decided to go back to school for what I don't know but at least I'm going. I decided to take a speech and a psychology class this term. My classes are only 8 weeks long and two classes are worth 6 credits so this qualifies as full time and so I should get my full GI Bill payment. Which will really help me out. Now I just have to deal with the whole going back to school anxiety of worrying about assignments being due and doing lots of research and also writing papers in the correct format.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Happy New Year!!!

Well 2010 was a pretty interesting year for me...lots of chaos, started off okay with a deployment to Guam, then getting back and dodging bill collectors, but then my baby girl Oriana was born adding the 3rd to my ever growing Smith clan, and things all seemed okay for a bit. Then I went and got a Vasectomy after deciding 3 kiddies is enough for me, and ended up in more pain than I thought possible from a simple procedure that is done every day for thousands if not millions of already happy customers, and then towards the end Dad almost dying from congestive heart failure, getting a stint put in, than getting some random new pain in his right leg (heart unrelated at this point), he went back into the hospital, and now is in a nursing home waiting for other docs to figure out what's wrong with him. So, uh.. yah, it's been busy. (and this is not to mention all the other huge projects I had going on, like staining the deck, building a fort for the kids in the backyard, having the truck break down numerous times, and then moving around at work from office to office, shop to shop, just to get settled into one work environment and then to be up and moved to another, what a pain).

So anyway, resolutions? I thought of a bunch just yesterday after struggling to even care about making any for the last week or so since Christmas....but then I was soon to forget today. I was thinking that one of them would be to try an be more optimistic and get a little back to my creative roots, maybe join a club, form a club, or just get people into anime, or if they're already into anime, get them to watch some with me. Or something like that. Either way I do know I need to come on here and post more updates, especially after I watch more cool anime shows, buy more cool figures, or do anything anime related. I think maybe I'll go back to school as well (but I know if I do that I'll definitely be more absent from my blog or my overall internet presence) seeing as my GI Bill is getting ready to run out, cant believe they only give you 10 yrs to use that damn thing, and I wasted all of but about 14months of it.. good lord I could've had a degree ages ago, but alas I was just fine working at the time. Oh well....enough complaining.. that should be another resolution, haha. Happy New Year!!! I hope this one is fairly uneventful, but who my kidding? Fuck it! Keep Rocking On People!!!