Divorce rant

Guess I never got around to posting this cuz it was sitting there as a draft, so since this is my blog and I don't hold anything back I suppose I'll publish it even tho I'm going to re-read it... so dont hold me accountable for what it says, or do, I dont care much.. LMAO!!! Well as some of you may or may notbuy know. My wife and I are splitting up. It's probably been many years in the making (and as she would tell you it's mainly because of my lack of feelings for her and the consistant relationship sabotage on my part). I will agree that I have not been the best husband in the world, I have had constant mental issues that could never prepare me for how to behave properly. I was always pushed to strive for being better, to quit drinking excessively, and to start exercising and participating in more family oriented events. The truth is, I like to drink and watch movies and anime, I like to work on computers, play guitar, and more truthfully, like to be alone. I cannot be myself when I am around family, because when I am around them, all I ever feel is like I cannot win. My wife and kids are more important than anything and I also therfor think it's best for them to not be around me. One of my biggest pet peaves is clutter and since my wife is disabled she cannot do enough around the home, the kids run rampant around destroying everything that I work for while she sits on her computer blogging, researching conspiracy theories, breastfeeding, and chatting with people I dont even know on Facebook and other blogs. Now I'm not saying that the seperation is all due to the fact that we have a messy (disasterously messy) house, but that is a pretty big part of it. I know it may sound crazy but I really like to feel at home in my home..and if I work a pretty stupidly horrifying job the last thing I want to do is clean house. The next thing is I like to relax on vacations and have a good time but every time we go to do something everything becomes a whole lot of work for me because she cannot do much. I know that it seems really selfish to want my wife to be able to participate more in things physically when I know that she just can't, but it gets tiring knowing that every time she has an idea that I'll be the only participating in all the labor. And while rangling 3 kids at the same time. I mean I can barely mow the lawn without kids trying to run in front of my mower. There is just not enough we can do to keep the kids occupied while we get things done. Every day I come home from work the home is just completely trashed. My garage is full of stuff and you can hardly walk in there, my downstairs office and bar area get trashed from the kids and she just cannot keep up with them to tell them not to. It gets very frustrating, and she wonders why I dont have time to do things like make a garden. I can't even find clothes for the kids most of the time because laundry is soo piled up everywhere and in the laundry room. I know it seems like a lot of B.S. on my part to want to get a divorce over, but the reality is that most of the time her snotty know-it-all attitude just doesn't turn me on. She gets mad because she doesn't feel liked or even loved, but how can I love someone who denies me any kind of peace of mind that I'm ever doing the right thing. It gets hard to be realistic to someone who pushes you away even in times when you are nice to them, and then spends all her time on the computer. What is a guy to do that just wants to feel the kind of love that is in the fairy tales and is constantly bombarded with the cruel truths that are this reality. If I could ever feel true love how would I even know what it is? How can I ever know what it's like to be with somebody that you are always wondering what kind of scheming plans may come in the near future? Nothing is real. Nothing has ever felt real. A person who is soo into what they are into and then talks ab Guess this never got published before but I suppose I had meant to a long time ago.. I'm not even gonna re-read it....

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